A Father’s Wish – Verse #3

Oh my child, the sun’s rays brightly shone down on you
its shadow marking green grass where you stood and grew.

A path of brilliance punctuated by dark and cloudy days
reminding you that you should never be set in your ways.

Oh my child, the stars fell to earth watching over you
on countless nights lighting your room in electric hue.

Giving you comfort in those times when I couldn’t be near
working too long, too hard, so you would never have to fear.

Oh my child, I prayed that I could give you that life
you so richly deserved, devoid of torment or strife.

A life that you could enjoy; be free to be an original child
knowing that you could on summer’s long days run wild.

Oh my child, I ask you now, as your father, did I succeed?
Did I give you a life, such that you’d never have to want or need?

I gave it everything that I could, I know I was often misunderstood.
at times probably a loud embarrassment in the neighborhood.

Oh my child, one last time, for always know this, I beg of you please
whenever you falter, whenever you stumble, cry or so much as sneeze

I will be there to hold you tight, to catch you, to be the barrier against
evils of the world that would try and cause you to in any way resent

     the choices you have made, for good or for ill,
        because you will always be
     the most perfect specimen in all the world, most especially to me.

© 2015 p.hill

Tomorrow Now Gone; My Paradox

Tomorrow you will search for me
but I won’t be here, somewhere else I’ll be
because tonight I will leave it all behind.

I’ve intentionally forgotten all that I needed
and all that I’ve wanted; should have heeded
your heart. I won’t be here, I won’t be at home.

This road that I have chosen is my own
so it might be best to say goodbye soon
oh God I feel so hollow now so shallow.

You lived your life for me and I left you all alone.
Now I’m so lost and you are still so all alone,
it hurts to be alone now.

I’ll just head on down the road of my own sadness,
I’ve forgotten what it meant to live. Full of regrets
I just so want to be loved and wanted.

I’ve forgotten the things I’ve done and where I’ve been
and how I’d love to be able to go home again.
But the road has taken me too far away for that.

I wish someone would come to find me,
rescue and bring me back so I might see
all that was left behind; it’s too late for that now.

To follow on this journey and join me
I know would only lead to sad sad misery.
So it’s just best to say goodbye now.

© 2015 p.hill


“What do you see when the darkness comes?”
such a haunting question for such a simple conversation.

“I see the demons of dreams long dead,” I say.
He looks at me, through me, as if he could shun

the abomination in front of him. Such an arcane answer
to such a generic question. If this long standing pun

would just end now, that would be better. However
we choose to let it continue on and now has begun

to grow stale. I wish that this inane banter would fucking stop!
I know a way I could make it stop, but I don’t have a gun

with me just this moment. Besides public suicide
is frowned upon. There seems to be an aversion

to having brain matter splayed on the walls. If
I could just answer with “I see an intrusion

of the darkness that I call home!” Shouting this
I throw my fists up screaming to those who listen

that this is not what I had planned. “I see all the times
when I could have made you proud.” It’s time to run.

The fear of failure that has caught up with me
and now threatens to choke out the light of the sun.

I look him square in the eyes, cornea’s ablaze with fire,
“Now my friend, this is the end. Now, we are done.”

© 2015 p.hill

Death on Tobin’s Bed

I was lying on Tobin’s rank bed
when his crazy stars fell on me.
Glowing ceiling tiles lit in shades of
green, blue, orange and red

flew at me; so many comets set free.
Was I really tripping on acid?
Feeling them hit me, envelope my body
penetrate me and pulse through me.

Falling to warped wooden planks of the floor;
I swear that it took damn near forever.
Laughing so hard I coughed and threw up
covered in drugs and rancid spoor

with tastes of bile and stomach churn
abrasive, heavy on my tongue.
And then Tobin hit me with unrelenting fists.
Again and again, waves pounding, fiery burn

it was not a good thing, such an awful
feeling. No that pain was the not the same
as feeling those Gods be damned stars.
Crying out through a nasty mouthful

of vomit and pills, bong water pass…
Passing out and violently reawakening
in another time and other spaces.
Where am I? Was that the white grass

or green sheets that caress,
envelope my sweat sick body.
Feeling a needle jab into my arm,
a rush as my heart accelerates

just past light speed. God, those stars…
Not quite gone, not quite lucid.
Hollow tinny sound of someone laughing
it wasn’t me. I was just too far…

Muted voices chattering far off, too shrill
knowing full well that they still weren’t me.
Knowing then, that my innocence was lost
never to be able to return, for good or for ill.

One day soon I realized that I was going to die.
I just didn’t think it was going to be tonight.
Not while I was lying here, on Tobin’s filthy bed,
because all I wanted to do was get high.

© 2015 p.hill

Summer’s Dawn

I watched Venus chase her fingernail moon companion of starry field
to the unknown shores and adventures of tomorrow’s impending night.

Summer’s dawn forcing Morpheus to relinquish his tenacious hold
as early morning’s cold raven takes flight and gives distinct song.

Thunderous wind buffeting quiet mountain valley ‘neath feathery wing
while gentle snow falls down on scarred and majestic granite peaks.

Glacial peak runoff becomes alpine river roar among ancient carved
      ruts as
I stand in morning majesty on the breaking dawn of a brand new

A cool seasonal rain falls on my shoulders, beading into the soft fleece
while on the other side of the valley animals call out, announcing the

Sun’s first pink light pokes over mountain’s majestic peaks,
      emblazoning my soul;
I stare down the final wisps of night, relishing in the promise of
      adventure of a new day.

My sleepy companion stirs and grunts, shaking off sleep from a cool
      night and rough ground,
ancient soot from last night’s fire swirling in moist morning air, fighting
      to remain lit.

Logs stacked so neatly, so precise, on the evening previous now fallen
      haphazardly, in shambles,
now become fuel to rekindle our early morning breakfast fire, ready to
     be stoked.

Our campsite has yet to fully wake, for now the morning and moment
      belongs to us,
a father and son could not have asked for better views, or better

© 2015 p.hill

I’m Sorry, I Forgot

So many years in the blink of an eye; what happened?
We said goodbye, noncommittal promises so easily begot,
I remembered it all so much later, after the bitter end
that we’d said we’d get that date for coffee; I’m sorry that I forgot.

Faint smudges of cherry lipstick on your collar, a sad truth
of how I wanted to reach out and make it disappear ,blot
out the shine of your smile, so perfect in dimly lit corridors of youth;
so much that I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t. I’m sorry I forgot.

Your delicate hand; your face, somehow not quite the same. I imagine
in my mind
watching you, waiting for that wistful smile, eyes closed but not asleep. Just a spot of regret as cold winter wind mourned outside;
     incomparable to the mourning inside.
Despair flooded my heart and I promised to always remember; I’m
     sorry but I forgot.

Fly forward, years with memories taking shape on kites of thoughts
     and impressions.
Faded imprints of your face is all that is left, a vivid photograph now
     left to rot,
it’s all gone by so fast, pain so constant, now beyond numb. Cursed,
     forgotten sins,
I swore I’d always remember this day, a morbid anniversary. I’m sorry
     that I forgot.

I forgot the pain, you… For just a moment I allowed rays of bright
     sunshine in,
praying it would dispel your spirit, a ghost I still see in the arms of
All of a sudden there was a life without you, a life where I wasn’t
     haunted. I began
to see what it was like without you. I forgot you, and eternally I am

© 2015 p.hill


My thoughts are useless and my actions impotent.

I watch mouth agape as everything I have come to fear
is splayed out before me; a sick melodrama.

It should not have happened, the world now knows,
you were put on display for shock and ratings.

Everyone is sorry because God chose not to favor you,
though we pray to him for peace.

Taken from me, taken from us all I cry unabashedly,
drowning in hard liquor and harder tears.

The rest of the world is a million miles away,
nonexistent and insubstantial, a wisp of a ghost
as you now are.

No words of comfort mean anything, not anymore,
all the prayers in the world mean nothing.

I talk to people, and write words of pitiful grace;
hoping to ease my pain but only forcing the cut open wider.

Someone’s daughter, someone’s friend, someone’s girlfriend
is gone and there is nothing that we can do but not bury ourselves with
do everything to keep her memory alive.

God help me, my terror and loneliness is paramount;
though wish as I may Cari is still gone.

© 2015 p.hill

Calamity; You’re Not what I Wanted

I would love to tell you that it was all worth it.
Hiding beneath the good intentions and smiling
through the darkness and the pain; lost in darkness pit,
violins pierce darkness; lifting me up on angelic wing.

From across the room I can feel you watching, silently
judging with those cold jaded eyes. If I ever get back
to the place that I once was, not here so regretfully
crouched in the corner, emotion beginning to crack.

I swear to you I could have been a different person
but we both know that due to a toss of fate’s coin
it wasn’t going to end in any other distinct fashion.
Now it’s too late to tell each other who might have won.

If I lie awake for one more night, pretending you
can feel me needing you and desiring what we had known,
would it be a total lie? Turn the music up so loud it blew
right through the placental barrier of my headphones.

Even that won’t drown out the sound coming through the old
radio relegated to the attic of memory; voices of loves long gone.
Ghostly chains that rattle through the halls of memory untold
stir up the echoes of the love once shared but now done.

I can still see Danny’s face, smiling before he ate the gun,
and we both knew that was going to be the end of it for us
because as much as I loved you, he came between us, an evil pun
and we both knew that I wanted to take his place, without such fuss.

Now as we say our final goodbye, one final thing, a last request
nags on my mind, because I still have so much to say
there are things that need to be said. You always were best,
a love I could never conquer. You kept my demons at bay

and without your heart, such a fragile thing to wear on a sleeve
I now know that I would be the one, lying there, on display.
I have since come to know, I swear I have to believe
that you were the one who was destined to go away.

It is I who must stay here, endure this pain because you were pure,
too righteous for the guilt and shame that now rack my soul.
Not too much longer now, I’ll be coming home to you, will I through
these damned eyes see your shining spirit? Your entirety, your whole

beautiful being that could never be tainted by the blackness of mine?
Somehow I know that I have failed you. You were the one
holding back the pain, helping me forget the dangers, the crime
and the anxiety of love’s long virtue now come undone.

Life’s little book that you and I once shared, now set aflame
in agony, no longer the passion of our uncharacteristic youth
will be the only thing left that will ever be here to remain.
I know that it can’t rain all the time, but my quivering mouth

cannot begin to grasp waterfalls of tears streaming down my cheek.
I wish that they could see through my camouflage, and that this cage
has held me prisoner for far too long. I would run but I’m too weak
and now I realize that in order to survive I’ll have to give in to the rage,

hateful, raw emotion that used to course through every dirty kiss we
As the ground swallows you whole I say my final goodbye, once again
wishing that I could trade you places, but secretly knowing you fared
better than I ever could have. Once I thought I would do anything to

again with you, but you aren’t mine anymore, you belong to
     something else
never to be mine, to hold, to touch, to caress or care for again. What
      has built
up inside me is now the acidic drops of regret but that is my pain, for
or for better, you get to sleep the sleep…

© 2014 p.hill

Obscenely Serene

We met in the emergency room, remember?
Your quiet blue eyes rolled past me, just a subtle glimpse.
On this putrid summer day, not yet September,
your pale skin fairly glowing under tawdry overhead light.

Your face didn’t seem to indicate a desire to converse.
I wanted to ask you what your story was,
but I seriously doubted that in any universe
my imagination could compare to the truth of it all.

We passed in the hall; such a sterile meeting place.
Not even a whisper of breeze, so obscenely serene.
I know I shouldn’t look at you, in such a state of disgrace,
but your face tells me there is a story, begging to be told.

Underneath the white cotton sheet your body gives form
to a frail body speckled in blood and delicate gore;
body’s human perfection now broken and torn.
A testament to trauma’s unlimited capability.

Outside the automatic doors the swollen clouds have ruptured,
pouring sweaty tears down upon blistering concrete sidewalks.
Mother Nature herself gnashes at the audacity mirrored
in the cold and chemical bleached hallways of this tomb.

We met one day, not long ago, in an emergency room
hall while outside nature disapproved of the slight against
one of her children with lightning and thunder’s loud boom.
So quick was our introduction on that fateful day that

there was no way to properly introduce myself, much less
a proper way to say goodbye. I was on my way out the door
and you were on your way to the morgue. But, I digress,
too much do I wander in thought. For we shall meet no more.

© 2014 p.hill

A Father’s Wish – Verse #2

Oh my little child, what changes will you see?
So unaware of the world now that is now to be

your new home so far away from my heart,
now that we have grown up and grown apart.

Oh my little child, were you ever aware
of the gaze of the world’s persistent stare?

To look upon a child so meek and so mild
discouraged to ever let you once run wild.

Oh my child, what will this new found freedom show
to your young mind so inquisitive, so eager to know

those secrets of the universe, waiting to be unlocked.
I pray for you, that you’ll never once be blocked
     in your quest to find who you really are .

Oh my child, I pray so heartily that you are never far
in spirit from the loving arms where you now are.

With a world now at your fingers, so easy to touch
you’ll never be who you were, at least, not so much.

Oh my child, once again, above all I pray that will you forever know this;
I’ll always be there, in spirit or flesh, to give you one last goodnight kiss.

Forever will you stay here, tucked in my arms,
Never, ever, will you have to fear for safety or harm.

© 2014 p.hill